NINE SIMPLE STEPS TO BECOMING THE JOKER
by I Am the Batman Dag Nab It
Summary: /Revamped and re-posted/ Do you want to BE the Joker? Maybe you would appreciate a few pointers if your unsure of how to keep the Joker in character for your own stories. Either way, your welcome to click the link, and engross yourself in the wonderfu-


**Author's Jibber Jabber:** -l knowledge this story has to offer.

**Author's Jibber Jabber PART 2: **So, as it turns out, I make grammar mistakes. Who woulda thought? I fixed this story up to the best of my current abilities, and this is it. To those of you who have enjoyed my story so far, thank you, but you shouldn't find anything you're unfamiliar with. Though, by all means, if you spot any more spelling/grammar errors, let me know so I can eat you alive- …I mean fix those mistakes.

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_An Open Statement To Steve,_

_I can't reply to your reviews because you don't have an account to reply to, silly Billy!_

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**HOW TO BE JOKER**

Screw Batman! Are superheroes just not your thing? Do you constantly find yourself repeating the Joker's lines? Do you also associate everything in one way or another with the Joker? It appears to me as if you have got yourself an obsession. So why not _be_ the Joker? Or is it that you don't find yourself worthy enough, and you just want to be a teeny tiny bit like him? Well, from the very people who brought you 'EIGHT SIMPLE STEPS TO BECOMING THE BATMAN' now bring you 'NINE SIMPLE STEPS TO BECOMING THE JOKER.' If would be a lie to say we know much about this _particular_ villain. Nevertheless, if you can follow all the steps in this informative guide, you too can be_ the Clown Prince Of Crime_.

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**WARNING: **Any injuries sustained to one's self due to carrying out the steps in this guide are completely and  
utterly the fault of your stupidity. Case and point, clarifying the fact that they are _NOT _under any circumstances  
to be whined about in reviews to this story. Thank you very much.  
_This singing telegram is brought to you by the law offices of Wouldn't YOU Like To Know!_®

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**STEP ONE: **Got a name? Yes? Well, then you've failed already.

But there may still be hope. As well as important internet safety, shielding your name from people via the web is a great way to start.

**STEP TWO: **Emotions: love, hate, happiness, sadness, etc. Tricky little crack heads, they are. Do you feel them? If so, in order to be a successful Joker, you need to conclude that _happiness_ means a smile reaching from ear to ear (literally). _Love_ means a brand new bloody knife and a man who will never get to see his be_love_d family ever again. And _hate_ means too many people killed too quick and you're _sad_ they will never know you were the one that blew them to Timbuktu.

**STEP THREE:** What is your weapon of choice? If you answered that question with anything but knife, guillotine, or any other sharp instrument of torture with its uses including the potential to be stretched out to a slow, lethal pace, then clearly you do not have what it takes to be Joker. If there is anything that man said in the Dark Knight that we can believe, it is his reasoning for the use of knifes.

**STEP FOUR:** If you are going to be the Joker, you are going to need to know why he does what he does. In this step, I will teach you how to act like the Joker. This will cover how to talk, walk, think (point of view) and get his facial expressions down pat.

_-Section A: How To Talk)_ Talking like Joker is not as easy as shooting your eyes out at an imaginary something or other up in the sky, and overusing the word "uh," along with "hm," every few words. Its only proper (in the language of the Joker) to use "uh," or "hm," once in a sentence. It is a preference to only use "hm," at the end of a sentence. Also, the fact that stealing all of his lines is not acceptable. Unless you base the quote around your life by changing some of the words. That is acceptable.

Then there is the enthusiasm you should possess in your speech, as well as your _ways_. However, let us not forget raising your voice for random words. Keep in mind, all of the techniques mentioned above are tips on how to _start_ speaking like the Joker. Let's not get haaasty. I'd **say**-uh, practiss make's peeerfek_T_... Hmm? ...At least, that is what my father said before I stabbed him in the face. But, what do I know?

_-Section B: How to Walk)_

_1)_ skipping (as seen in the scene where Batman falls off his Bat-pod)

_2)_ waddling awkwardly with your legs and arms spread slightly out from each other (as seen in the scene where Joker Blows up Gotham General Hospital)

_3)_ and running while stumbling all over Tar Nation (as seen in the scene where Batman flips Joker's truck) are the three ways to walk like the Joker of which are approved and endorsed* by this guide.

*Hello, I'm not important enough for you to care about my name and I approve of this message.  
_These words were paid for in part** by congressman Gregory W. Meeks. _  
**_0.000000000008% paid for by_ _Gregory W. Meeks.***  
***No percent__ actually paid for by_ _Gregory W. Meeks._

_-Section C: How to Think)_ Don't.

_-Section D: How to Express Your Face)_ Shoot your eyes up into the air when you're thinking. When you're angry, narrow your eyes, and put on your best angry face. If your victim shows signs of fear, chose that moment to let them know they look nervous, and ask if it's your scars (or other major face deformity). Next, ask them if they want to know how you got them. Without waiting for an answer (because you know they defiantly want to know), begin to share a scary tale with them on the subject of how your scars (or other major face deformity) came about.

**STEP FIVE: **BOMBS… Lots and lots of powerful BOMBS.

**STEP SIX: **How to laugh like Joker. You have to be happy. Just all around happy. A fellow fan fiction reader and writer, Melori, told me, the trick is not to look in a mirror while practicing that lovely laugh.

**STEP SEVEN: **Escaping the police. It helps to have people in the force that can help you out if you were to ever get caught. If you have no such people, see step five.

**STEP EIEGHT: **How to plan like Joker (but not _really_). If you ask me, the most complicated thing about the Joker in the Dark Knight is the "_plan" _thing. He has one, yet he doesn't quite follow it. At one point he describes it as, "a dog chasing cars." The whole point is to create chaos. That's the one thing you'll need to understand before you can pull off a heist calling yourself the Joker.

**STEP NINE: **Now this last step is not something you can do on your own. You could, but you would have to be insane already, and the whole point of the scars is to turn you insane because of them. Push you over the edge, so that all the evil doings you do will be even more evil. I am sorry to inform you that if you do not have his scars, or something extremely similar, you cannot be the Joker.

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**Authors Note: **Come on. You know you want to! Review and tell me how much you hate this. Ramble on and on about your low self-esteem. But then again… you _could _throw me a nice review, telling me what you liked. It's a thought… Yes?


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